He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i now understand why vodka
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
