i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
