I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
