dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
