i may or may not be watching the land before time
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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