For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
