I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
