I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
