What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
