So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
