That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
