Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
