this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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