I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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