Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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