are you still at the devil's house?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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