Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
no you cant smoke seaweed
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
