Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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