$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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