So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
