I'm so fucking centered right now
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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