i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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