your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
