Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
