I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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