This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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