Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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