I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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