How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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