Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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