youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
