The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
