Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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