I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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