I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
