I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
