If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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