Pregnant stripper...not hot.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
