I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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