After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
