You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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