He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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