Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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