My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Come on in and take your pants off
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
