I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
