she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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