I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
