Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
