My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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