This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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