when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
