i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
