Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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