So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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