Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
