hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
