i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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