Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
